Thursday, April 27, 2006

Dear Malaysia: Are you retarded?

Below is an excerpt from an article that ran on Reuters yesterday. This is fucking asinine:

BANGI, Malaysia (Reuters) - As Malaysia prepares to pick its first astronaut, the country's space agency is hunting for solutions to the problems it expects devout Muslims to face while in orbit, such as in which direction to pray.

One of the five pillars of Islam requires the faithful to pray five times a day, and to face Mecca, the birthplace of Islam, while doing so. Astronauts aboard spaceships could have difficulty meeting these requirements.

"Among the astronaut's needs, if he is a Muslim, are guidelines on performing prayers in space, and other aspects of life according to Islamic principles," Malaysian government official Mohd Ruddin Abdul Ghani told a two-day meeting of scientists and religious experts to thrash out solutions.

What the fuck? Please tell me you're kidding. Please just tell me that there aren't people on this planet that are that fucking stupid. God I don't even know where to start with this one.

Listen closely. If being in outer space throws the logistics of your religious practices into a tailspin then maybe, just maybe, you should reevaluate your beliefs. I'm not kidding. This whole "which-direction-to-pray-at-what-time-holy-shit-I'm-confused- because-I'm-in-space" thing is ridiculous. Not only do I think it's retarded for this to be a problem in the first place, I think it's retarded to not immediately see the solution to the problem. Here it is: Face down when you pray. Towards Earth. That's good enough, right? I mean, surely that counts as "facing Mecca". What else can you do? Oh, and just to be on the safe side, pray five times in a row just to make absolutely certain you meet your daily quota. Then you don't have to worry about it for a while. Or hey, keep a stopwatch nearby. Stopwatches work just fine in space. You could even throw in some extra prayers in between mouthfuls of dried ice cream for added insurance. There. Problem solved.

From what I know about Malaysia, which admittedly is not much, they provide cheap labor and manufacturing--like factories and workers and really fun shit like that. So apparently the head honcho over there in Malaysia, Prime Minister Abdullah Ahmad Badawi, is trying to pull Malaysia out of this pigeonhole and expand their technological industries. I think that's great. Good job Malaysia. But why the fuck are they sending someone into space? For what? There's absolutely nothing for Malaysia to accomplish in space. Really, think about it. This idiot Prime Minister may as well just masturbate in public. I'm far from an economist but I have a novel idea. Train some doctors. Put some resources into growth industries. What the hell are you going to do in space?

"Wow guys, it's really true... I'm totally floating!"

Yeah, great. Good work shitnuts.

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Me -vs. Record Label

I cannot remember the last time that I bought a CD either in a store, online or anywhere. This is particularly shameful because I work in the entertainment marketing industry, often for major record labels. More importantly, my girlfriend is a top-priority major label recording artist. No, I'm not telling.

This epiphany hit me recently and it nearly made me reevaluate my existence. I hadn't reflected on myself to this degree since Tommy Morrison knocked me unconscious in the 5th grade for saying to him in front of his toothless girlfriend,

"I don't care how big you are because sometime, somewhere down the road, I will own the grass that you will mow. Oh, and your girlfriend is disgusting but I bet she gives good... (POW!)" When I regained consciousness I recognized my error and put my jaw back into place like a real twelve year old man.

Moving on.

So, I decided that I would purchase a CD to kill the guilt of my professional negligence. I visited the website of the first major record label I could think of. The record label will remain nameless and will be referred to herein as "DumbDrum Records".

Like most websites, there are several options to choose from when exploring the site. I carefully weighed my options and decided to begin with the "New Releases" channel as this seemed logical. That's when I saw that the site hasn't been updated since 2005.

Put on your safety goggles.

Now, unless you have been sharing a hole with Hussein, you know that lately the recording industry has been raising holy hell in regards to declining record sales. They have even gone so far as to sue private citizens for file sharing. My question is this: What are these fucktards at DumbDrum Records doing over there when their most effective medium of reaching a worldwide market(their website) doesn't even bother to tell the consumer what products they are currently price-fixing? er, selling? And these shit eaters have the gall to bitch about declining sales!? Oh fuck, this really pissed me off and sent my wicked ass directly into orbit without passing "GO" and definitely without collecting my goddamn $200, which quite frankly I could really use right now. I digress.

Anyway, I decided to send DumbDrum Records an e-mail.

Verbatim, the e-mail went like this:

I am interested in the current happenings of DumbDrum Records' recording artists.

Upon visiting your website, I viewed both the "New Releases" and "Coming Soon" channels of http://www.DumbDrum, and was surprised to find that the most recent listing on either channel is dated Dec., 2005. It may surprise you to know that most reasonable people on this planet are under the impression that we are currently living in the third week of March, 2006.

Forgive me kind sirs, but I am confused. Does your company not distribute records for the first quarter of the year, or is this simply an oversight due to sloppy business practice? Again, I am confused.

Do you guys need some help over there at DumbDrum Records? If so, I might be willing to submit my resume for review by the appropriate parties, as I am certain that I would contribute to running a more effective operation.

Best Regards,
Ryan *****

The very next day I received the below e-mail from DumbDrum Records:
Thank you for sending us your letter - your comments are very important to us.
While we are receiving thousands of pieces of mail each day, we're sending you
this note as an automatic reply to let you know that we read each and every
letter, but do not often have the time and resources to write individual

That does not mean that we do not act upon your request(s)! Information is
passed on to the respective responsible parties to handle each and every

Your submission is appreciated,
-DumbDrum Records
A simple equation for the readers: Automated response=Great way to piss me off more.

Eager to call their bluff and itching for a reason to blast off another wicked nasty e-mail to an industry leading corporation, I visited the website again to investigate their automated claim of impending action.

Well Holy Shit. It looks like someone at this company actually might not be chart toppingly retarded. All of a sudden the "New Releases" and "Coming Soon" channels of the DumbDrum Records Official Website were nowhere to be found. Gone. No doubt this is due to my wicked soul stomping e-mail that some nutfuck at this organization found to be of value. I'm sure these specific channels of the website will return to the page as soon as these shitclowns can pull their heads out of their asses long enough to actually tell their customers what they're selling, but that's not the point.

If I were an artist under contract to this label, I would be frothing at the mouth like a rabid bat on crack. Furthermore, if I were an artist whose record was released within the past four months which did not meet sales expectations, this company would have a serious problem on its hands in the form of a mammoth ass lawsuit.

I find it to be completely unacceptable that a forerunner in a multi-billion dollar industry who is not holding up their end of the bargain chooses not only to sue its customers but spends millions of additional dollars on massive media campaigns that whine about dwindling profit margins and piracy. Give me a fucking break.

***I have not been contacted by DumbDrum Records regarding a job interview. Go figure.