Tuesday, August 29, 2006

Parents: Sidewalks Are Not Toilets For Children

I’ve seen something happen twice in the past month that I don’t ever want to see again--

Parents allowing their children to urinate on public sidewalks in broad fucking daylight.



Has this been happening for a long time and I just haven’t noticed?

Last weekend I was on my way to Riverside Skatepark when I very nearly walked right through a stream of urine being expelled from a toddler. I was walking down the sidewalk staring up at the trees when I saw something out of the bottom corner of my eye(toddler). Luckily I looked down just in time to jump out of the way of this pissing little pissant’s piss. The kid was standing in the grass while pissing onto the sidewalk! And his CPS-case-in-the-making of a father was standing right there beside him. I don't mean that I almost stepped in a puddle of pee, I mean that had I not jumped out of the way, this kid would have pissed directly on me.

I mean, what the hell?

Would it really be that hard to take your kid twenty feet off the beaten path and find a tree or something? If that’s too hard, turn around 180 degrees and stand on the sidewalk and piss into the grass. I mean, what the hell is wrong with you?

Then yesterday I leave the office to head home. I’m walking down Third Ave. at 50th St. during rush hour when I see it again. There is a toddler pissing right in the middle of the goddamn sidewalk on Third Ave. At rush hour! His mother was standing right there behind him.

You can’t be fucking serious!

Maybe this kid is a reincarnation of Moses or something because he parted the traffic on a busy Manhattan sidewalk like it was nothing. People were scrambling to not only avoid trampling the kid, but more importantly to not be pissed on.

This shit has to stop, New York.

Let me be very clear--

Study the picture of my face at the top of this blog. If you see me on the street walking in your direction while your kid is pissing on the sidewalk, you’d better fucking run, motherfucker! I will drop kick your kid into the middle of the street and then grind your nose in their mess.

CLEAR?

30 comments:

Christopher Robin said...

I saw a similar incident a month or so back. The bus stopped and there was a mother letting her kid piss on the building (better than the middle of the sidewalk, but not much) right next to the bus stop. But I think all this is just a clear sign that people are getting stupider...and sadly still breading.

(BTW I found your blog a few weeks back and really like it.)

Laurel said...

i once saw a grown woman pull down her pants, squat, and take a piss at the columbus circle subway station...i just don't get it

Ryan said...

Christopher: Thanks, glad you like it. I was a cyclist at one point, too.

Laurel: A friend of mine manages a luxury apartment building. One time he was watching the video monitor in one of the elevators and a woman wearing a skirt, standing, spread her feet apart and took a shit right there in the elevator, standing up! When she got to her floor, she got off the elevator and left the poo like nothing had happened. People are nuts.

Warren said...

The key element to the woman in the elevator incident, other of course than the fact that she shat there, was how she spread her feet apart. One would expect a step to the side, right? A slightly wider version of a golf stance. That's what I would have done.

This woman--and let me point out that she was HOT (though her pooping was not)--stepped not to the side, ladies and gentlemen of the jury. No, no, she stepped forward. FORWARD!

Granted, male and female bodies have key differences in the general pooping area, but not really in the poop delivery apparatus itself. I therefore feel fairly comfortable extrapolating that women's ass cheeks work much the same way mine do, and were I to be so bold as to shit standing with my right foot a good 18 inches in front of my left, those ass cheeks would very likely not be parted so as to provide a clear ejection route. Surely, you all agree.

So not only did this chick straight up deuce it all over my elevator floor, but the circumstantial evidence would seem to suggest that she got pretty dirtied up herself.

I've always been willing to blame the incident itself on either bulimia or a bad burrito, but I just can't get over that step to the front. I would be just as perplexed to see a guy peeing backwards through his legs into a urinal.

Ryan said...

Warren's comment has me in fucking stiches.

Nice of you to finally show your face around here, bud.

Warren said...

Glad to be here.

Can I do a guest post sometime about the time I saw a woman sew her vulva shut and call it art?

Ryan said...

Warren:

Regarding the guest post idea...

Anytime, the world is waiting.

Erin said...

I actually witnessed a little boy peeing just outside of a really nice hotel we stayed at in Charlotte, NC. So, I guess it's not just NY... Then again, maybe they were FROM NY... Little fuckers...

If my son EVER pissed in public like that, he'd have a hand to the back of his head so fast he wouldn't know what hit him!!

John said...

It's endlessly disturbing that this seems to be becoming a trend. I saw this in Soho a few months back. A woman pulled her little kid between two parked cars, pulled his pants down and had him piss right there. I recommend that anyone who sees this just stop what you're doing and stare. (Not at the kid's junk, obviously... at the "parent") This woman gave me the look of death, but obviously knew that she was being an asshole. I only wish the owner of the car would have come by and seen that little shit pissing on it.

Anonymous said...

Whilst I do not live in the NYC (sadly I might add) and have yet to witness this particular trend (as it has pointed out it might become)I did knead to point out the breading (get it?)... Or should I read his blog because he might have been trying to be funny? I don't have time to make sure that people aren't "really" that inattentive.

Cheers either way. I wish things I observed were worth mentioning.

Anonymous said...

Ewww, I hate this trend as well. I mean, granted, sometimes when you have to go, you have to go. However, how hard is it to take your kid into a cafe or a bookstore or a public restroom? This is NYC, there are delis everywhere! And teachign the kdi to go whenever he feels like, where he feels like it is not going to teach him good impulse control. Yesterday when I was walking on 57th a woman was letting her little boy piss between a Village Voice and a West Side Spirit newspaper bins. Its so tacky, honestly, have some manners. Its not like the kid is a drunk in a back parking lot or a bum in an alleyway.

MissPinkKate said...

I've seen this happen twice! I couldn't believe it either. I swear, next time I see it happen, I'm gonna say, "Ugh, gross", or something else to let 'em know we all SEE what is happening- and it ain't right!

Sam said...

Whilst on a trip to China a couple of years ago, some friends and I were casually sight-seeing, well, China, when right in front of us, not ten feet, a little boy (we're talking toddler) squats down, UNFLAPS HIS POOP HOLE, and takes a crap right on the sidewalk. Now one would think the accompanying mother would have the decency to clean up after her young 'pup', but no, she just closed the flap and kept on walking. The key element to this story is, the Chinese design toddler clothing with a 'poop hole' (much like John Wayne's long underwear back flap...you know what I mean) for the sole purpose of deucing and/or dicing on the go. Moral of the story...it could be worse people. Alot worse.

Anonymous said...

Hey, as a NYC parent, I can say that public pissing is a last resort, but especially in Riverside Park the only rational resort for a toddler. Tiny bladders get full and apparently without any warning.

Having said that, sheesh, I would try to encourage a bit of discretion. Bushes and parked cars provide a bit of privacy.

Anonymous said...

I can explain the toddler pissing thing. I have a 4-year-old son. Since my son was potty trained 1 year ago, the lead time I had from hearing "I need to pee pee" to the actualy peeing act was initially less than 5 minutes. Now it's 10 mintues. I must confess, we have a 4 block walk between our apartment and his school in the Upper East Side and I've had to let him pee on the sidewalk at least 5 times. The one time I asked him to hold it, two blocks from school, he had an accident. It was in the middle of winter and the pee turned into crackly ice after soaking his underwear, long johns, and corduroys. I then had to rush to a nearby overpriced store and purchase pants for him so he can be in dry clothes for the rest of the day. Mind you, there are not many restaurants open at 8:30 AM to duck into in the Upper East Side. Perhaps Mr. Pissed you should inquire and ask your mother about your peeing habits when you were first toilet trained to have a bit more compassion and understanding with this situation.

Ryan said...

anonymous,

No.

Carry a jar with a good lid.

And my mother is dead.

Joshua S. Rubenstein said...

God I miss Giuliani.

Anonymous said...

It doesn't just happen in NYC.I live in da 'burbs of NJ. This guy is coming out of a house of worship, that is right next to my house. He takes his kid, goes up to the tree in my front yard, yanks down the kids pants, and the kid pees. I couldn't believe it...in front of traffic, people and me...

Anonymous said...

" Perhaps Mr. Pissed you should inquire and ask your mother about your peeing habits when you were first toilet trained to have a bit more compassion and understanding with this situation."

Try getting your kid to pee before you leave!

Anonymous said...

You're mothers dead because she didn't want to take any more of your crap

Anonymous said...

BIG BLACK C0CK, RIGHT IN YOUR FACE

The Lone Gringa said...

HAHAHAHA. First baby that ever pisses on me gets drop kicked as well. Even if it's my own.

MonkeyPants said...

well, if grown men seem to have no problem doing this in public (something I absolutely despise -- just because you can doesn't mean you should, guys. If we can hold it, so can you.) then i guess so can a toddler. I was disgusted when I was in Central Park the other day and a guy had walked away from the baseball diamonds and whipped it out up against a tree, about 5 feet from a sidewalk where families were walking, and in full view of portapotties yards away in broad daylight. Unless there is NO where to go, no restaurants, no bars, no nothing -- there is no excuse to piss on the sidewalk or anywhere I might want to sit and read a book in the park. To quote my 8th grade self: "GRODY TO THE MAX!"

And I see you got a big black cock right in your face as well as I did. I'm a little jealous...

raincoaster said...

Those parents are probably letting the kids ruin their carpets as well. And I would never ride in the back seat of their cars, either.

One thing I love about Canada is that you can generally rely on some Miss Marple figure (of either gender) to walk up and say, "Pardon me, but I wonder if you'd mind not doing that. It's just not right," or similar, guilt-inducing words.

If there is a total lack of prissy, interfering elderly people around, you could always walk up and drop your OWN pants. It's New York, after all. What do they expect?

Ryan said...

Monkey Pants,

I fucking hate big black cock.

What a dick, seriously.

Anonymous said...

As the mother of 3 kids, I must honestly tell y'all that sometimes the little fuckers just HAVE TO GO. Luckily for me, I was living in Wyoming at the time. Invariably, when we were out driving through the middle of the fucking prairie, my middle child, a girl, would start whining, "Mommy, I have to go to the bathroom." Enraged, I would turn around and yell at her, "Do you SEE a goddamn bathroom anywhere?" Then I would sigh, pull over, and let her go in the high weeds. But between two parked cars? Never had to deal with that, I'm happy to say.

Ryan said...

I was considering the following as an effective method to curb this trend:

I should have just stood there and stared at the puddle of urine and licked my lips.

I think that would have done the trick.

Anonymous said...

Sorry parents, there is no excuse for allowing your child to pee on a sidewalk, car, or any other piece of someone else's property. Shrubs, or trees OUT OF PEOPLE'S SIGHT are OK in big emergencies.

Seriously, when are parents with small children going to realize that they are not special or priviledged, and have the same responsibilities as the rest of us? I am so tired of being run over by strollers the size of an H3, listening to crying and wailing at sporting events and movies, and otherwise being made to put up with the behavior of other people's spoiled snotty brats.

Cambion said...

I've seen a few grown men drain their lizards right out in public on the front of buildings in Pittsburgh. I suppose these men were raised by parents (or dogs) who taught them that urinating out in public is acceptable. If I wasn't afraid of getting my teeth knocked in, I probably would have introduced my foot to the asses of these men any anyone else who was lacking enough in manners to take a leak anywhere but in a bathroom.

To the author of the blog, forgive me if I'm incorrect, but do you live in or near Sayre or Athens, Pennsylvania? Sayre is my hometown and there's a Riverside Skatepark near the downtown area. Just wondering if you happened to be a fellow resident of Meth Valley.

Tigger said...

The Answer is simple
to those who can't hold on
or with kids who can't
hold on.

Put On A Diaper.

No one will know.