Tuesday, August 21, 2007

Fun with the DMA.

By now, you should be aware of my deep seeded loathing of Patricia Kachura, the societal cancer that works for the Direct Marketing Association (DMA).

Since her job is to justify sending people millions upon millions of unsolicited advertisements and phone calls every day, I figured she would be happy to receive an unsolicited phone call from me. I left the following voicemail at her office today:

"Hello Pat. This is PissedAndPetty.com calling with a quick survey. How do you sleep at night? Thank you so much for your time and we look forward to hearing from you. Please give us a call at (646)XXX-XXXX with any insight you might be able to provide regarding this matter."

What's wrong, Pat? You don't like receiving unsolicited phone calls? Well, me neither, bitch.

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Switching Over

I did some more work towards switching over to Wordpress today.

Take a sneak peek.

Like it? Hate it? What do you think?

Monday, July 30, 2007

What Have I Become?

Okay, damnit. I haven't posted on my blog since February.

Right when I came back, I checked my traffic stats as any good blogger would.

We have a problem... besides the stunning lack of traffic. What's the problem?

Do me a favor. Run a google search for "pooping grannies". What's the first result?

Yep, thanks to this post, my blog is the #1 search result for "pooping grannies".

Fuck.

Wait, I think this might be something to be proud of.

Friday, July 27, 2007

Really?

I was flipping channels late last night while my girlfriend was sitting next to me. She has an interest in fashion. I flipped right by a DKNY runway fashion show and my girlfriend begged me to turn it back so she could watch.

The conversation went something like this:

Her: Ooo! Ooo! Turn it back turn it back pleeeeease!

Me: Why? You can see this in any department store.

Her: No, don't even start. I know way more about this than you. I like really like "Dackney" clothes.

Wait, what? Really?

Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Movin' On Up

Like Gershwin, things are looking up.

There is an old-time gambling legend that lives in Texas, a man named Amarillo Slim. Amarillo Slim used to brag that he was so famous that you could send a letter from anywhere in the country addressed only to "Amarillo Slim in Texas" and the letter would find him. Tall tale? Maybe not.


In my never ending quest for global domination, I have taken a huge step. According to Google, I am the most relevant and/or important person named "Ryan" in all of Washington Heights, NYC.

Don't believe me?

Google search: ryan in washington heights

Yeah, that's right. You found me.

Numero uno, bitches!

Also just as exciting, I am now the top result for Google search: pissed and petty. I know you're thinking that that should have happened a long time ago, but Tom Petty wasn't giving up the top spot easily.

Also, readers, you may want to run a google search for: Pat Kachura

Yep, number one again(and two)! Poor Pat. Poor, poor Pat. It can't feel good knowing that if anyone ever runs a search on you, my rantings are the first things they're going to see. Ouch!

I have now thoroughly owned Ice-T, Washington Heights, Tom Petty, and Pat Katchura just to name a few.

Ahhhh, being bad feels goooood.

Monday, January 22, 2007

This Really Happens

A story from work the other night:

Sometimes I work nights as a poker dealer. My boss’s name is Mike.

Me: Hey, Mike! C’mere for a second.

Boss: Yeah?

Me: Who’s the new girl?

Boss: Which one?

Me: The hot one setting up that blackjack table.

Boss: Which one?

Me: The one in the corner.

Boss: That’s my daughter…

Me: (silent)

Boss: …and she’s sixteen.

Me: (gulp)