What Have I Become?

Okay, damnit. I haven't posted on my blog since February.

Right when I came back, I checked my traffic stats as any good blogger would.

We have a problem... besides the stunning lack of traffic. What's the problem?

Do me a favor. Run a google search for "pooping grannies". What's the first result?

Yep, thanks to this post, my blog is the #1 search result for "pooping grannies".

Fuck.

Wait, I think this might be something to be proud of.

New Features & Connecting the Dots

Yeah, ok. I haven't written in a while.

Fucking sue me.

As previously mentioned, I've been busy trying to research ways to make this site cooler.

I succeeded in taking a couple of small steps.

If you look at the address bar in your browser or browser tab, you should see the Pissed&Petty crab icon to the left. How awesome is that? It should also appear in your favorites/bookmarks list if you have me bookmarked. *ahem*

Also, I have a new comment box at the bottom of my sidebar. It's awesome. Now you guys can write whatever the hell you want at anytime on my website. Take a sec to test it out and let me know if it's too much of a hassle.

Plugging away...

Three Steps Back (at least)

(this post is not funny.)

"Pissed & Petty" is growing up, folks.

I started this blog as a way to kill time from 9-5 and it has since turned into, well, a bonified monster. As such, I decided that I am going to start taking serious steps to kick this website up to the next level.

I finally bought the domain "PissedAndPetty.com". I'm still figuring out what I'm going to do with it exactly, but it's a start. I finished completing the switchover from Blogger to Blogger Beta. This was possibly a total waste of time because I'm considering switching blog servers again, so I haven't really designated my newly owned domain to anything in particular yet.

I've started studying HTML and CSS coding.

I got in a little over my head with the coding and I lost my whole blog for about two hours today. I nearly had a fucking heart attack. I've run into several seemingly insurmountable problems while messing with my code before, but this time I thought I'd really done it. I thought that my whole blog had dissapeared forever. No shit. If that had happened, I don't know if I would have rebuilt the blog at all. It seemed like too much work, what with several thousand-word-plus posts and the picture links and god knows what else (none of which is backed up anywhere). It would have truly broken my heart/spirit.

One of the worst things about the situation is that the visual aspects of my site(aka, what makes it cool) were designed by someone else. I'm not fluent in HTML or CSS. I'm not even semi-litarate. A very kind individual had taken the time to design my site for me and I somehow managed to screw the whole thing up.

Ugh.

After hours of frustration, somehow, I managed to recover almost all of my writings and get the visual components back into place... almost. My margins and header are still screwed up and I have no fucking clue how to get my "latest posts" field back to the way it was. There are about six thousand other things wrong too but it feels great to know that all is not lost... literally.

Bear with me guys and girls. I love you all and the site will be bigger and better than ever before you know it!

Craigslist Saved My Life

I got a computer!

...from a Craigslist ad.

I found a wicked awesome offer on a laptop today on Craigslist. It was a dude in my neighborhood that was trying to get rid of a nice laptop for about a third of the retail price. I called the guy and asked all of the appropriate questions (so I say now), and he was totally knowledgeable. He agreed to meet me at my apartment in 30 minutes with the laptop.

About thirty minutes later, he called me and told me he was on the corner in a black Lincoln.

Nice.

The following conversations occurred:

Him: Hey man, I'm on the corner in a black Lincoln.

Me: Great. I'll give you the building number and you can come up.

Him: Eh, just come down to the car and you can check out the laptop. It'll hold a charge.

Me: You sure you don't wanna just come up to my apartment. I just wanna check out the computer for 10 or 15 minutes. Ya know, just to make sure the specs match up and everything.

Him: Sure ok, ok. What's the building number?

I tell him and go downstairs to get him.

For any of you that think I'm stupid for letting a (seemingly)shady computer salesman from Washington Heights into my apartment, think again. One of my roommates is an ex-corrections officer from Rikers Island. I'm not worried. At all.

On the way up the stairs (my elevator is broken), we make small talk and I ask him a couple basic questions about the computer. He answers them easily and tells me he's looking to buy a new computer and needs to sell this one to do it. Seems like a really nice guy.

Anyway, we come up to the apartment. He pulls out the computer. It looks brand fucking new, not a single scratch on it. I plug it in, start it up, launch several applications, make sure it can read a CD, open several internet windows to make sure it can handle it... and the thing runs like fucking magic. It is amazing... compared to what I'm used to, anyway.

He answered all my questions easily and truthfully. At my request he showed me the system specs at the F2 startup, and everything was exactly as he'd advertised.

This thing runs like a greased Spaniard at that bull thing they do.

My computer rules.

Rest assured:

Good things do happen to happen to bad people, and Craigslist sometimes won't rip you off.

I am living proof.

Seriously, I Need a Computer

I've mentioned this before but didn't receive a single response.

I'm going to try again.

I need a fucking computer. I don't need anything too fancy. I'm looking to spend around $500. Less would be fantastic.

Laptop or desktop, I don't really care.

If anyone in the NYC area is looking to get rid of their old computer, please e-mail me.

Think of it as an extra bonus that the magic of "Pissed & Petty" will coming to you straight from your old computer, eh?

Ah crap.

My computer is broken for real now.

The operating system won't start.

I'm writing from a friends computer to inform everyone that posts will be very spotty until I get a new computer, which may be a while.

Maybe I can get a friend to guest post in the meantime.

Keep checking in, we'll make it work somehow.

Thanks everybody.

Oh, seriously though... if anyone in the NYC area wants to give me a good deal on a laptop, I'm interested. I don't need anything fancy.

E-mail me.

Irreconcilable Differences

Ever since my computer started hanging out with Limewire, I've noticed my computer has had a change in friends, is lazy and irrational, spends more time alone and has bloodshot eyes on a regular basis.

A few nights ago, my computer decided for the last time that it didn't want to do what I was asking of it, which is my computer's only job.

At that point, I may have accidentally (see: completely on purpose) beaten the ever loving shit out of my computer.

The 'Shift' key and the 'A' key popped off and I can't get them back on. There are no two worse keys to have missing. One key is a home row anchor and a very common letter. The other is a key you have to hit at the beginning of every sentence and proper nouns and crap. The keys still work, but the buttons are so small that I may as well be trying to touch the tip of my nose with my head tilted back and eyes closed.

If my computer hadn't decided to be more loyal to Limewire than it was to my commands, this whole situation could have been avoided.

It's as if someone called Child Protective Services on me for beating a child who totally deserved it.

Is anyone giving away a new laptop or a child?

America's Next Top Graphic Artist

If any of my readers are graphic artists, professional or amateur, and care to take the time to submit a title graphic for this blog, I would really appreciate it.

I try to pretend that I know what I'm doing with my Serif Photo Plus application, but have been unable to create a graphic to which I can get married.

I'm shooting for something that resembles the professionality and sleekness of this title graphic: http://www.tynansangels.com/

Being that the title of my blog is rather tacky and low-brow, I would like a graphic that offsets this by being simple, sleek and classy... something that dignifies the tackiness of the title... if that makes any sense.

Bonus points may be awarded to graphics that subtly and tastefully include my name, [redacted].

You get the jist, right? I don't know, just send me your ideas.

Email an appropriately sized jpeg to: [redacted]

Feel free to disregard everything I've said and create whatever the hell you want.

Let the games begin,
Ryan

UPDATE: Thanks to Tynan of BetterThanYourBoyfriend.com and TynansAngels.com for the new theme and header graphic. Much appreciated sir, it looks great.

Whatever Floats Your Boat

As this blog gains popularity, it seems to be climbing the search engine ladder.

These are some interesting search terms with which people have found my smashing ass blog.

___

Google: Awesome Shit.
I can't argue with this one.

Google: Alligator Rings Doorbell.
What?

MSN Search: Finest Niggas Phone Numbers.
Can't argue with this one either, though the cultural reference is highly inaccurate.

MSN Search: Malaysia Fucking.
Hmm... ok, I guess I could be into it. Wait... ok, yeah.

And my personal favorite-

MSN Search: Dicks Sticking Out of Shorts.
Uh, no thanks, but whatever floats your boat.

World Blogger Championship of Poker

I have registered to play in the PokerStars World Blogger Championship of Online Poker!

This Online Poker Tournament is a No Limit Texas Holdem event exclusive to Bloggers.

Registration code: 7712767

It should be really fun.

They're giving away nine seats to the main event at the World Series of Poker.

I want a seat. Wicked bad.

I'll let everyone know how I do.

The Tournmanent is on June 18th.

***Results:

I finished in 162nd Place out of 2239 players. I played very well, but lost a critical race for all of my chips in the third hour of the tournament.

I had 77, he had AK. All the money went in before the flop.

Flop came: AAK

Game over.

No prize.